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Not Baggage

Today in class I had someone refer to women having children as “having baggage” and it really hit home. It’s not like he meant it as an insult, and I think that might be what makes it worse. It just simple was to him. 

My biggest fear is that I will never find anyone who views my son as a perk, an addition, a great add on. That he will be something every man feels he has to “deal with”. 

The thing is, my son is so much better than something you have to deal with. He is bright and loving and caring. He is cute, funny, adorable, brilliant. He is his own little person and he is not baggage. Because despite the fact that he takes extra time, and planning and thought. Despite the fact that he is something else you must consider in your life, having my son in your life is an improvement.

One day, I will meet a man who sees that. And not another piece of baggage

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My heart is breaking

I found out yesterday that I still have HPV. What does that mean?

That means that Compton is done with me

And that hurts….. so much

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HPV……

Fuck HPV.

Sunday, I would’ve had myself a boyfriend.

Had it not been for HPV.

I can’t even begin to explain how heartbreaking that is.

Saturday night I had an overnight babysitter, and I had gone to Compton’s house after my celebration of life deal for Casey. The next morning we woke up, and he wanted sex…. I had told him not until we were in a relationship, and he goes “This isn’t a relationship?”

fuck me. So I told him…..

And now things are just so weird. He is distant… and I feel like he pulls away more and more each day.

Damn

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I think I could really like you.

So, due to recent events (being ditched for my date) and my random “fuck it” mood, I decided to join a dating site. But not one of those reputable ones where you have to pay. No, that sketchy one that everyone knows about. I’m not gonna say it. You know what site I was on. And if you don’t… well then google it. 

The first guy that I met up with turned out to be quite the…… crazy stalker nutter. Long story really short, after 4 days he told me he loved me, and he has been contacting me every single day since then. A week ago. Today my brother sent him a message (I have no idea what he said but I am super curious) and he actually hasn’t contacted me at all! HOORAY

But the second guy… The second guy is the one that matters. I was a little iffy on how well this would all work out, considering guy one turned out to be bat shit crazy, but like I said, “fuck it” attitude. So I persisted on. The tactic I was taking was to do the little rating app where you say yes or no based on looks, and then let the guys contact me. I figure that’s fair. They read my profile and know I have a kid. They decide whether that’s ok or not, and I don’t have to deal with any awkward rejections.

Tuesday I got an email from Wolverine. That’s my nickname for him. And I looked through his pictures and holy hell, hottest guy to message me, yet. Better yet? His first message referenced the internet. It wasn’t a hey, or a hello, or some other boring variation of salutation, he started off mid conversation, and it worked. Then the more we chatted the more it turned out that he has the same sense of humor as I do. The same sort of train of mind. The next day he continued to message me, and he made absolutely none of the ultimate creeper moves. Thank god, too. Because at the time Creeper (guy 1) was still contacting me. 

Wednesday we were talking about lunch, and sushi, and I mentioned my love for it. So he invited me to dinner. Thanks to my amazing best friend watching my little man, I got to go. We spent an hour at dinner and then we went to the park and walked around and just talked. About everything, about life, and nothing, and joking. Finally we stopped at the playplace and stood up by the slides. We talked more there and somehow, who knows how, I ended up with his arm around me. Probably one of the best feelings in the entire world. I felt so safe, and comforted. I had to go, but before I did, he kissed me, and oh my lord he is an amazing kisser.

I think I really could like this boy. I suppose I already like him quite a bit.

Exciting

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If you’re in the market for hearts Or in need of a second-hand part I’ve no use for mine, I can get along fine I’m planning on selling my heart

After that whole week of asking and planning and everything, my date cancelled on me tonight. I have to say, that is rather depressing. Not because I liked him a bit (And I do/did like him a bit) but I think more the drop from excited to disappointed. I went through hours of planning. Picking the movie, picking the time, picking my outfit, doing my hair, finding a babysitter. And my babysitter ended up being my friend Brandon, until my mom could take over. No big deal, right? Except that my mom lives 45 min away from me. Which means that I made a 2 hour trip to drop off my son. Because he didn’t cancel on me until after I was almost all the way home. So I spent all of today in excited anticipation. Only to have it all crumble around me. That sucks. 

I think I will be over this shortly. It’s not like I had a LOT invested in it. It was just an interest. But it sucks that this keeps happening to me. Either the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me….. or the guys that are interested in me are guys that I’m not interested in. 

I think next week I’ll give the cute quick trip guy my number.

(Title lyrics from Heart For Sale by Bryarly Bishop; http://bryarly.bandcamp.com/)

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I’m so done with Facebook……

I’m so tired of everyone having to put in their opinion on my life, or my expressions. That’s why I love Tumblr so much, I think. Because here I can just say what I need to, and no one will argue with me about how I’m wrong. Sure, sometimes someone needs to be corrected. But I don’t feel like they take the time to understand what I was saying before they decide to correct me. They being my “friends”. 

Today I posted a status while watching Sesame Street with my son. 

Sesame Street just had the “Dad song” on, where they sang about all of the wonderful things Dads do for you. Like teaching you to ride your bike, showing you how to play sports and reading all of your favorite books to you.

Thanks Sesame Street. Every single mom in the world probably adores that song.


Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great they had a “Dad Song”. But it still hit a sore spot with me, and I imagine with many other single moms. I’m not saying they should get rid of it. I’m not saying it’s a bad song. I was saying that it was a song that really hit home with me, and it sucked. 

Apparently, my “friends” didn’t get that.

  • Heidi: Yeah, but my friend is a single dad and he loves it. Since everything is about moms.
    10 hours ago · Like · 2

  • Torii: I think a “parent” song would be a good remedy for both situations.
    10 hours ago · Like · 1

  • Josh: What about orphans?
    10 hours ago via mobile · Like

  • Erica: Being a kid of a single mom I hated those songs
    9 hours ago via mobile · Unlike · 1

  • John: I think the day my friends start complaining about Sesame Street not being PC is a sad sad day.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

  • Torii: You’re never going to have to explain to your child why their daddy didn’t want to do those things with them.
    9 hours ago · Like · 1

  • Erica: Awww
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like

  • Heidi: Yeah they need to be fair to both types of single parents. But look at all tr Olympic p&g commercials thanking moms. What about the guys out there like my friend who were handed a baby and are single dads.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like

  • Amanda: ‎Torii I agree a parent song would be good because there a lot of single dads out here as well that are unrecognized…even grandparents raising their grandkids…so a guardian song?
    9 hours ago · Unlike · 2

  • Candice: I think the song applies to all single Parents. Because when you’re the single parent you have to play both roles. 
    I know it’s not the same TorTor but teach him the things a daddy “should” and hold your head high and be proud while you do it because he has YOU for a mom and in my opinion as far as single moms go you’re the best of the best!
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

  • John: I’m sorry the sesame street song doesn’t cater to your particular needs, but what if Sesame Street had to pull their brother song because some mom had to explain why their kid didn’t have any brothers? 
    If sesame street had to pull or modify every some that made someone uncomfortable, there wouldn’t be anything left. 
    As it is, they do a pretty good job making everyone feel included.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like

  • Torii: I’m not saying they should pull it. I’m saying it hits a sore spot. And probably does for many other single mothers.
    9 hours ago · Like

  • John: I bet, but you’re a wonderful single mother. Really, you amaze the shit out of me.
    9 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1

  • Gerri: I agree with what John just said. You’re amazing. You manage to take care of yourself, your child and you’re always there for your friends!
    7 hours ago · Like · 1

  • Alex: It’s hard to do anything these days without hitting a sore spot with somebody. Mothers, whether single or otherwise, receive much credit for all they do whereas fathers, whether worthwhile or not, do not. I have much respect for single parents doing the best they can for their kids, especially if they aren’t receiving any help from the other side. Most songs out there, even from gangster rappers, are about “momma”. Dads need a song too.
    6 hours ago · Like

  • Daniel: Single dads > single moms (watches head explode muahaha)
    2 hours ago · Like


Because one Sesame Street song made me a little sad, and I decided to share that with my friends….I got attacked.


Awesome friends. Thanks. 


Note to self. Trust Tumblr. Not Facebook…

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I asked a guy out on a date.

So Friday night I got the chance to go out for the first time in a really really long time. I got a babysitter for overnight, and I went to a house party that my friend, Joey, had invited me to. I had met Joey once before, at a mutual friend’s going away party. We had a minor introduction and, me being me, I added him on Facebook. We’d talked a couple times through Facebook comments and then he facebook messaged me and asked for my number

"Hey gimme yo digits I got a flyer invite I’ll text you for a rager I’m djing at tonight"

Well, I am a fan of music. As it turns out, a fan of the kind of music that he DJs. So I found a babysitter right quick and my best friend and I head over to the party. 

On my way over he and I were texting back and forth;

Me: Tonight is going to be badass. I’m stoked. I’ve never been to a house party like this.

Joey: Haha this will be the biggest crowd I’ve ever had :)

Me: Fuck yeah! I bet you’re gonna rock it.

Joey: I hope so :3

Me: May the force be with you! :D

Joey: Just friend support and alcohol is all I need :p

So I brought him alcohol. Then I proceeded to drink enough to lose my inhibitions and start dancing. I think I danced for 3 hours straight. Every now and then a guy or two joined us, but generally, I just lost myself in the music, and texting Joey. Then he asked if I had ever done the wobble. I hadn’t. So he queued it up, and he came out onto the floor to teach me. Brandon (my friend who happened to be at the party) was kind enough to push us closer together. Thank gawd for Brandon. The crowd absolutely loved it, and there was a room full of people dancing it up when I sent him;

Me: Told you you’d rock it.

Joey: With your help:)

I just about melted. Omfg. But here’s the thing. I gain interest in a guy quickly, and more often than not, I lose it just as quickly. I rarely, if ever, get those little butterflies that make you smiley and giddy every time the person is mentioned. I had posted on FB about that the exact same day. 

Convinced I will never have a proper crush on a guy again. The best I get is a vague interest that turns into them being a good friend ….. *sigh*”

Which he had seen, and mentioned. He’s basically the same way. That’s scary. 

The next day I decided I was going to ask him out. With a little pressure from Brandon and not allowing myself time to think, I sent him this;

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but would you like to, go see a movie? (or hang out or whatever sometime?)

and agonized for 5 minutes until he sent

Haha sure:)

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NFRWREKNGSIRHDJBFKRBNGDRTGJNXDGFVSEIRBVNJGRS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything points to him liking me. And so far, I like him too.

Now I just have to play it fucking cool. Which I am so entirely socially awkward at. All I want to do is text him and talk to him. No, Torii, No!

Play it cool. Be cool.

Don’t fuck this up.

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I’m so lonely.

I’m so tired of being lonely.

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Just got propositioned for sex….

by terrible sex guy.

I think I’ve officially moved into Booty Call status.

No thanks, man.

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Well….. That sucks

Dear little brother (and probably everyone else….),

You don’t want to read this. It’s TMI

I don’t even know how to start his blog, what kind of segway or thought process or storytelling can bring you to the right point to fully understand how disappointing my sex life has been….forever. But I need to talk about it. Read at your own risk.

Let’s start with when I lost my virginity, because I think that’s probably where it stem of this really is. My first time was something that I was not ready for. I had fallen “in love” with this guy and he told me that if I loved him, I would have sex with him. When I confided in my best friend, she said that he had a point. So I gave in. It was terrible, uncomfortable, painful, and not fun for me in the least. After that he expected it from me, and if I said no, he got mad. So I never said no. I learned to fake it really well, but to me sex was never enjoyable. Ever. It was a chore. Something I had to do, because I loved him and he would be mad if I didn’t. 

After that, pretty much every sexual encounter that I have had, has been that terrible. The only boyfriend that I’ve had that hasn’t made me feel that way was the douchiest guy I had ever met. At one point in our relationship he pretty much told me he was using me for sex. But at least I enjoyed it, then….

Last weekend at my son’s birthday party, one of my brothers friends had shown up. He ended staying for the adult after party and one thing led to another and we messed around. No sex, but fun. Great! Finally, a guy in my life. He seemed sweet, gentlemanly, kinda goofy, confident. It all seemed great. Even my brother gave me the ok. Then friday night he came to hang out again, and we ended up hookup up, again. This time, with sex included. It was….. awful. He chose positions that hurt, a lot. When I told him they hurt, he would move, but then go back again later. It still hurts, even if you give it a break. At one point he had gotten me close to an O, but he was tired of waiting, and just stopped so that it could be his turn. None of it was nice for me. Not one bit. And after he got his O, we were done. That’s it, goodnight. 

I am so tired of this part of my life feeling like something I have to endure. Other people say it’s nice…..

When will it be for me?

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Dear Tumblr,

It’s my birthday!

Rejoice!

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Readjust Our Thinking

One of the most beautiful things about the human mind, is that it has the ability to change. If you allow it. If we are willing to have an open mind, the things that we perceive, or have an opinion on, can change. Recently, I have realized that the way that I look at some things, needs to change. Sure, changing your way of thought takes effort. But that’s just like anything else in your life.

I have recently met my newest best friend. Lets call him Han Solo. Han is an amazing person. He personable and intelligent. He can do wonders with a computer that could impress anyone. He and I could spend hours playing video games and I swear he’s my twin incarnate. He listens to EDM and he is one of the nicest, funniest, most awesome people I have -ever- met and I can say that with complete and total honesty. 

I have a friend, let’s call him Harry Potter. Harry is lovably ego centric. He can move his way around a theater soundboard like nobody’s business. He has been my best friend and my shoulder to cry on since I was 16. He is the life of any party you go to. Sarcastic, witty, and all around hilarious to be around.

I have a friend. Let’s call him Captain America. Captain loves to work on cars. I think you could find him all greased up on any given day and he would be happy. He watches racing and has to be the BIGGEST Dale Jr. fan I have ever met. He is a mid west gentleman and incredibly selfless. He would go to the ends of the world to help his family or his friends.

That is what makes Han, Harry and Captain so amazing. That is their personalities. That is who they are. But there is always one other thing that everyone, even I, have used to describe them. I’m sure by now you can guess what that is. (No? Maybe?) They’re gay. (Surprised?)

The problem is; that has absolutely nothing to do with who they are. Sure, relationships and life experiences played into who you are, but they are not what makes you. You make you, based off of those experiences and your reactions to them. People don’t describe me as “Torii is that girl who is totally into Doctor who. She’s a great mom, kind and caring. Oh and she’s straight.” 

So why is it, that as a society, we’ve decided that being gay is a thing? Being straight isn’t a thing. It just is. Well, that’s exactly what being gay is. Or lesbian, or transexual, or transgender. We put these labels on sexual orientation and then we put these stereotypes behind them. Why? Why does it matter? It shouldn’t. It doesn’t. 

But we let it. 

I’ve made it my personal goal to change my way of thinking about that. To not let that be an observation I make about someone. Or a comment on a person I’ve just met. I’m not talking mean comments, because I’ve never made mean comments. I mean anything pointing out their sexual orientation, be it gay bi straight unicorns. I don’t care. I refuse to care anymore.

Because there is so much more to Han. There is so much more to Harry. There is so much more to Captain. But society casts a blanket over their awesome with a simple word.

I won’t be part of that anymore.

2 notes
Readjust Our Thinking

One of the most beautiful things about the human mind, is that it has the ability to change. If you allow it. If we are willing to have an open mind, the things that we perceive, or have an opinion on, can change. Recently, I have realized that the way that I look at some things, needs to change. Sure, changing your way of thought takes effort. But that’s just like anything else in your life.

I have recently met my newest best friend. Lets call him Han Solo. Han is an amazing person. He personable and intelligent. He can do wonders with a computer that could impress anyone. He and I could spend hours playing video games and I swear he’s my twin incarnate. He listens to EDM and he is one of the nicest, funniest, most awesome people I have -ever- met and I can say that with complete and total honesty. 

I have a friend, let’s call him Harry Potter. Harry is lovably ego centric. He can move his way around a theater soundboard like nobody’s business. He has been my best friend and my shoulder to cry on since I was 16. He is the life of any party you go to. Sarcastic, witty, and all around hilarious to be around.

I have a friend. Let’s call him Captain America. Captain loves to work on cars. I think you could find him all greased up on any given day and he would be happy. He watches racing and has to be the BIGGEST Dale Jr. fan I have ever met. He is a mid west gentleman and incredibly selfless. He would go to the ends of the world to help his family or his friends.

That is what makes Han, Harry and Captain so amazing. That is their personalities. That is who they are. But there is always one other thing that everyone, even I, have used to describe them. I’m sure by now you can guess what that is. (No? Maybe?) They’re gay. (Surprised?)

The problem is; that has absolutely nothing to do with who they are. Sure, relationships and life experiences played into who you are, but they are not what makes you. You make you, based off of those experiences and your reactions to them. People don’t describe me as “Torii is that girl who is totally into Doctor who. She’s a great mom, kind and caring. Oh and she’s straight.” 

So why is it, that as a society, we’ve decided that being gay is a thing? Being straight isn’t a thing. It just is. Well, that’s exactly what being gay is. Or lesbian, or transexual, or transgender. We put these labels on sexual orientation and then we put these stereotypes behind them. Why? Why does it matter? It shouldn’t. It doesn’t. 

But we let it. 

I’ve made it my personal goal to change my way of thinking about that. To not let that be an observation I make about someone. Or a comment on a person I’ve just met. I’m not talking mean comments, because I’ve never made mean comments. I mean anything pointing out their sexual orientation, be it gay bi straight unicorns. I don’t care. I refuse to care anymore.

Because there is so much more to Han. There is so much more to Harry. There is so much more to Captain. But society casts a blanket over their awesome with a simple word.

I won’t be part of that anymore.

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Don’t wait for others to decide what they think of you. Show up, be confident, and tell them what they’re going to think of you. Toddlers and Tardis 0 notes
Connections

What is it that makes a best friend, a best friend? I have a couple of best friends. Friends who withstood the test of time. Who were with me through thick and thin. Who know my deepest secrets and love me anyway. But we weren’t always that way. At one point in time, we had just met. We knew nothing about each other. We were strangers. When did that change? How did that change? I don’t really remember a defining moment where I said “Ok, you’re my best friend now.” 

When I first meet someone, I feel like it’s a requirement that I know them for “X amount of time” before I can call them a good friend, or a best friend. The problem is, I don’t know how long an “X amount of time” is. For me it always seems like no time at all.

It amazes me sometimes the impact that an individual can have on my life, and how quickly it can happen. Within the first months of knowing a person I know whether they are going to influence my life, or not. I can tell if they are someone who could easily be my best friend, or if they are someone that will always be just an acquaintance. Even a handful of people have made such an impact on me that I can tell within the first few hours, or days.

I worry though. Worry that if I say “Hey, I consider you a good friend” or “You know…. I’m pretty sure you’ll be one of my best friends” too early, they’ll just bolt out on me. Almost like saying “I love you” way too soon in a relationship. Am I the only one that worries so much about friendship? It sounds as if I fall in love with my friends…. I suppose in a way I do. That’s what best friends are. Not in love, exactly. But a type of love. I feel just as vulnerable to being hurt by them. I put just as much effort into them. They take a certain amount of trust. They comprise a big part of my life.

Which is what makes it so scary when you first consider someone a best friend. Because, what if they don’t love you back?

That would suck…..

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